This is part II of my series on poly lifestyle. If you missed my rant about jealousy and promiscuity, JFKs enema parties and young sluts, you may want to start with Poly Lifestyles Trending. I was just mentioning my own young slut, a sweet submissive girl who I may command to do anything for me. She wrote this:

Open Relationships 101: From Bisexuality to BDSM

Here’s the post I asked my poly lesbian lover of 2 years to write cuz she’s all into presenting this kinda thing while I am more just into orgasms…lots of orgasms. I have to break it up into two cuz she’s such a geek she has so much to say but I don’t think you will find her overcoming her gay-ness any time soon, nor her poly-ness…

I am currently dating an incredible woman… She is married to a wonderful man. She lives with him, has been building a life with him for over a decade, runs a business with him, etc. They are primary partners. So, where do I fit in?

Well, I am a secondary partner in their lives. I see my girlfriend once a week on average… sometimes more, sometimes less. Normally we spend time alone together, either at their house, or out on the town. We are close, we are intimate, and yes, we have sex. You may think of me as this woman’s ‘mistress’. But here’s the beautiful part… ready for it? *Everyone knows!* Everyone involved, including her husband, knows of our relationship, and encourages it. There are no secrets, there’s no sneaking around, no deception, no lies, no cheating! Imagine that!

There is a brilliant quote I’d like to throw in here from America’s all-time best-selling psychiatrist M. Scott Peck as published in a Playboy Interview: “There is no such thing as a marriage that does not have to deal with the problem of fidelity or infidelity. One of our myths is that we should be completely happy and fulfilled by one woman or one man. That’s nonsense.” I couldn’t have put it better myself.

In this writers humble opinion, putting all of your eggs in one basket is not only silly, it’s dangerous. No one person out there in the world can possibly fulfill all of our needs and desires by themselves. But we, as a culture, keep trying to force our partners to. Ladies… how often are you forced to attend your man’s sporting events, when you would rather be *anywhere* else. Guys, how many chick flicks have you found yourself snoring through to appease your mate? These are very basic examples of course… but why can’t you do these activities with people who actually share your passion for them? It’s so deeply, horribly ingrained in our society and our culture that once we have a partner, we should adopt the things they’re interested in, and share in them. At all times. Quit torturing yourselves!

Back to how this relates to dating… let’s say my partner is feeling particularly needy one day. She’s had a bad day at work, maybe she’s pms’ing, she just had a fight with her mother on the phone… and I’m at work. I can’t talk. Unfortunately, I can’t be there for her. She has a need right now, a need for comfort and reassurance, maybe a distraction of a more primal nature. I’m not available. Should she curl up into a ball and wait miserably for me to come home? Hmm, just the kind of homecoming I want when I get off work.

Hell no! If we can seek what we need from a larger support net, we are much more likely to get our needs met. We don’t go around advertising that it’s best for a child to have a single parent… the reasoning seems so obvious. Raising a child by yourself is *hard*. Children need so much. Two parents can offer more time, love and attention. So why is it said to be so great to have a single partner?

Here’s an even better example. Let’s say that my partner is bisexual. She has fallen in love with me. We are thinking of building a life together, starting a family, living out the rest of our days side by side. Does that mean that she should swear off men for the rest of her life? If she does so, she is completely denying something that makes her happy. She is neglecting a need. When a person neglects their needs to appease another, this eventually leads to feelings of resentment toward the person being appeased. Resentment leads to frustration, frustration to anger, anger to fights, and both of these tend to lead to that evil word, divorce. (Or whatever kind of separation, given your circumstances.)

And forgive me, but here’s the question that begs to be asked. If you really, truly love someone, how could you deny them what makes them happy? (Long pause… think about it.) Can you honestly love someone and tell them, “oh, and that thing you enjoy so much? Well, it’s outside of *us*, so, never again”. Not exactly a becoming trait in anyone I’d wish to date.

So… is it possible to have your cake and eat it too? Yes! Will it be easy? Like most things in life worth fighting for, probably not.

My kinky sex life gets more outrageous every day. From new BDSM classes (pretty much every night of week in the SF Bay), new sexy lesbians I meet in the Mission and my travels in adult webmaster parties at places like the Playboy Mansion, I live a life most only dream of. I hunt pornstars and point you to adult toys that work and porn that doesn\'t suck. If you like kinky sex, you will love my blog. Please let me know what you like most or want more of here.  An orgasmanaut exploring the universe of sex, kink, and adult industry marketing, giving you a daily dose of WTF that goes along with such things. I'll show you how to have a kinky sex life, where to find the best bdsm supplies and lesbian porn, or how to market porn -- your choice! Read more from this kinkster

This entry was posted on Friday, August 21st, 2009 at 4:00 pm and is filed under BDSM 101, poly lifestyle, sex, sexy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.