Hi Thomas,
I am sad to hear your story and glad you posted this question. Clearly your former girlfriend violated your trust and hurt your chances of feeling this kind of pleasure in the future. Especially in small towns, it is critical that us kinksters have trust that we won’t be outed for our kinks. If you never had a ‘confidentiality conversation’ with her, she may have been, like most who are not in a dedicated fetish scene or community, uneducated about how much harm she could do to you by behaving in this way.

Here’s what I would do if I were in your situation. Try to reach out to your ex and express to her how much pain this is causing you and ask for her to stop speaking of your private sessions moving forward. It’s hard, I know, but necessary to raise the level of education about these things and prevent further abuse. Is there anything she liked doing with you that could be potentially embarrassing? If so, let her know that you would never share those details with others and that her commitment to stop gossiping about you is what protects her from the pain of others knowing about this detail. Even if she was not so good at a particular sex act is an embarrassing and private detail that shouldn’t be shared. I wouldn’t frame it as a threat, but have her consider how painful it would be if you shared this detail about her with your mutual friends to shift her perspective.

As far as finding a woman who will maintain your confidentiality and enjoy your fetish, you may want to start off with something kinky that she likes, something potentially embarrassing for her, before exposing your deepest kinks, next time around. Definitely talk about the importance of keeping this between the two of you first, and invite honesty at the outset. You might even tell the story of how you were hurt once by someone who didn’t have the courage to come directly to you with her honest feelings and that you really want to avoid that again. It’s best to have these conversations about what each of you like while not in the heat of the moment or in the bedroom. It may seem awkward at first but it really works to discuss these things at length before getting into play. I also recommend having a followup conversation soon after each session, like the next day, to invite feedback and make space for these feelings to be heard. Often it seems people think they will be okay with something, then unexpected feelings come up afterwords. If we don’t make space to have these conversations, it can be easier for them to gossip than to confront you directly, because they feel guilty for having these feelings.

Finally, I wonder if there is a resource in your community, on craigslist or elsewhere, where kinky people look for each other. It is such a blessing to have a group of people who are more familiar with the importance of community standards, especially confidentiality. I find that it is hard to get into kinky play with those outside of the community of folks who are educated about this stuff, because I have to spend so much time educating them. It is so much easier to know that the person I am playing with knows all these rules, and it gives me confidence to play deeper. If you can’t find a dedicated pool of players where you live, try some online sites like xxxblackbook.com that incorporate video chat. If you can rebuild your confidence in this fetish you love with someone who doesn’t have the potential to hurt you in your small town, it may be a good way to get your needs met without so much risk. This can help you when you find a lover in your small town to not have all the built up angst from not having your deep fantasy needs met for so long. The less needy you are going into the next real relationship, the better, IMHO, because built up frustration over this is rarely a useful energy to work with. When looking for a local lover, you may want to try to attract a woman who is not so domineering in her outward personality, as well. It’s not always the case, but often, people who are more shy and yielding in their usual selves, tend to be more dominant in the fantasy realm and vice versa. So you may have a better chance of finding someone who enjoys being a femdom, even if she doesn’t know it yet, if she’s sort of shy or not so dominant normally.

Good luck and thanks for having the courage to ask!

Stacie