One must: be open, honest, patient and be an excellent communicator. If you’re currently in a primary relationship and are looking to open it up to include secondaries, some negotiation with your primary must happen first. You both need to agree on: how much time will be devoted to secondaries, will you be sharing (as in threesomes) or will they be independent relationships, are you ok with secondaries being in your house/bed, will the three of you do dinner or other everyday activities together from time to time? Then comes more technical stuff… what kind of activities are ok? Are you comfortable with your partner having hot, steamy sex, but would prefer they not kiss the other on the mouth? Do you want penetration reserved for only you two, but fondling up to third base is fine? And, my own two cents, I don’t care what your situation is, discuss safe sex expectations! It’s not only your health, but your partners that may be put in jeopardy.

Be aware… you can negotiate all this to death beforehand. Your partner may say, “oh sure, I don’t want to limit you, I’m fine with all of this, go ahead and fuck her brains out in our bed with me reading a book in the next room”. And then, the first time it happens, you may emerge all sweaty and satisfied to find them huddled in a corner crying hysterically. It’s one thing to talk about being poly, but one never knows how they will feel until it’s put into practice. Thus, my advise is to start slowly. Begin with flirting in front of your partner, some light touching, and check in. Even the poly-est person who ever poly-ed can be affected by jealousy and insecurity at times. That’s ok, don’t call it quits just yet. Acknowledge these feelings, address them with patience and compassion, and renegotiate. Remember, this situation is supposed to make everyone happy if done ethically and consciously.

I’ve been asked, “but if you start dating someone outside the relationship, won’t that negatively impact your primary relationship?” Again, if done correctly and consensually, no. I like to use this analogy… if you have a child, and a second baby arrives, will you love the first one less? I sincerely hope not. Every relationship that we invest in should improve the quality of our lives. They should each provide something special and unique and precious that add up to a wonderfully happy and fulfilled you! Two happy and fulfilled individuals have a much better chance at succeeded as a happy and fulfilled couple, right?

I’d like to finish up by suggesting an utterly fabulous book on the subject: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. (Available on Amazon.com and in most major bookstores.) This is a gentle, easy-to-read guide that addresses most possible challenges as well as the joys that come from open relationships.

One last word of caution: If your partner has expressed that their interest lies only in being very strictly monogamous, do not try to force them into anything outside of their comfort zone. If they convey an interest in giving it a real try, great! If not, respect their feelings and desires, or resentment may be well on its way already.

Wishing you a lifetime of love, adventure and mind-blowing sex.

Stay tuned for part II of this poly blog post series by subscribing to the rss feed or email alerts.

How to Succeed in an Open Relationship, Tips from Active Polyamorous People is a post from aKinkySexLife.com Thanks for subscribing to this RSS Feed. Stay tuned for some special naughty pix I promised to send to my feed subscribers. I will be including them here as soon as they are done!

Champion just won the Feminist Porn Movie of the Year award for 2009, and everyone who has seen it is raving about it. I have yet to view it, but I can tell by all the buzz that Shine for Pink and White Productions has outdone herself. Her Crashpad Series movies are some of my favorites, and they are all over this list of Hot Feminist Porn Award Winners, just released by “Good for Her” sex-positive adult company, April 27th, 2009.

Lesbians Fight and Fuck: Hot Award Winning Queer Porn! is a post from aKinkySexLife.com Thanks for subscribing to this RSS Feed. Stay tuned for some special naughty pix I promised to send to my feed subscribers. I will be including them here as soon as they are done!

Reading the recently published 2nd edition of The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures, I came upon the most succinct summary of why being kinky is so important to me:

Knowing Yourself.

…inaccurate but deeply held beliefs about sex and gender can drive our behavior unconsciously. They are the roots of sexism and sex-negativism, and to be a radical slut you are going to have to uproot them. To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration…it is the way you become free to choose how you want to live and live, own your life, and become truly the author of your experience. (p. 68)

For myself, the ecstasy of hot wild sex with lots of people is a great motivator to do the work of knowing myself. I find that others into polyamory and the kink lifestyle are more self-aware and make better lovers than those who aren’t, in general. I am proud to be in a community of mentors who teach the skills of being a self-aware player.

Think of a time when you felt uncomfortable about a lover’s request to do something sexual that you didn’t understand. How often was your reaction based on assumptions about that act or person, rather than how you truly felt inside about the opportunity?

Exploring adult movies and sites that feature kinky sex, bondage sex, lesbian sex, or anything that might be currently taboo sex for you, is one way to get over unconscious behaviors that might be interfering with your or your partner’s sexual self-realization. Dr. Carol Queen often speaks of the value of porn for sex-education. While this is not the ideal way to learn it is the most typical way we are exposed to new ideas about sex and ways of having sex. Simply increasing our exposure to new horizons can help cure the problem or at least shed light on it.

Ethical Sluthood and the Joys of Kinky Porn Movies is a post from aKinkySexLife.com Thanks for subscribing to this RSS Feed. Stay tuned for some special naughty pix I promised to send to my feed subscribers. I will be including them here as soon as they are done!