Living this Polyamory lifestyle successfully requires a few things.

One must: be open, honest, patient and be an excellent communicator. If you’re currently in a primary relationship and are looking to open it up to include secondaries, some negotiation with your primary must happen first. You both need to agree on: how much time will be devoted to secondaries, will you be sharing (as in threesomes) or will they be independent relationships, are you ok with secondaries being in your house/bed, will the three of you do dinner or other everyday activities together from time to time? Then comes more technical stuff… what kind of activities are ok? Are you comfortable with your partner having hot, steamy sex, but would prefer they not kiss the other on the mouth? Do you want penetration reserved for only you two, but fondling up to third base is fine? And, my own two cents, I don’t care what your situation is, discuss safe sex expectations! It’s not only your health, but your partners that may be put in jeopardy.

Be aware… you can negotiate all this to death beforehand. Your partner may say, “oh sure, I don’t want to limit you, I’m fine with all of this, go ahead and fuck her brains out in our bed with me reading a book in the next room”. And then, the first time it happens, you may emerge all sweaty and satisfied to find them huddled in a corner crying hysterically. It’s one thing to talk about being poly, but one never knows how they will feel until it’s put into practice. Thus, my advise is to start slowly. Begin with flirting in front of your partner, some light touching, and check in. Even the poly-est person who ever poly-ed can be affected by jealousy and insecurity at times. That’s ok, don’t call it quits just yet. Acknowledge these feelings, address them with patience and compassion, and renegotiate. Remember, this situation is supposed to make everyone happy if done ethically and consciously. (more…)

Poly People it’s time to celebrate! Newsweek reported last week that more than half a million families in the US are Polyamorous Families!

History of Polyamory

They covered interesting tidbits: the term “polyamory” was coined in the 1990’s and added to the dictionary in 2006, the modern poly movement was started in the early 50s by a Yale theologian. They cover the gay marriage v. poly thing, and the feminist bent of the modern poly scene. It’s going so well until…Rutgers professor Helen Fischer is quoted saying that polyamorous couples are “fighting Mother Nature” and we’re hard wired for jealousy.

Really? I don’t want to fight Mother Nature! I want to Lick her Pussy!

Kinky is More Natural Than Jealous for Us Poly Folk

And the only trait that seems to be truly hard-wired for our species, if you read the news, is promiscuity: From the Clinton intern sex scandal to the Elliott Spitzer’s ordeal last year, and the recently outed young lover from John F Kennedy’s swinger parties back in the 60’s and on back to the Bible, our elite classes, leaders, and entertainers do seem to be more prone to fool around than to stay loyal. Is it that only the common folk are inherently jealous?

Not in my circles. My dear submissive girl, she’s not “common” nor is she famous. She’s quite special, (more…)

Reading the recently published 2nd edition of The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures, I came upon the most succinct summary of why being kinky is so important to me:

Knowing Yourself.

…inaccurate but deeply held beliefs about sex and gender can drive our behavior unconsciously. They are the roots of sexism and sex-negativism, and to be a radical slut you are going to have to uproot them. To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration…it is the way you become free to choose how you want to live and live, own your life, and become truly the author of your experience. (p. 68)

For myself, the ecstasy of hot wild sex with lots of people is a great motivator to do the work of knowing myself. I find that others into polyamory and the kink lifestyle are more self-aware and make better lovers than those who aren’t, in general. I am proud to be in a community of mentors who teach the skills of being a self-aware player.

Think of a time when you felt uncomfortable about a lover’s request to do something sexual that you didn’t understand. How often was your reaction based on assumptions about that act or person, rather than how you truly felt inside about the opportunity?

Exploring adult movies and sites that feature kinky sex, bondage sex, lesbian sex, or anything that might be currently taboo sex for you, is one way to get over unconscious behaviors that might be interfering with your or your partner’s sexual self-realization. (more…)