One must: be open, honest, patient and be an excellent communicator. If you’re currently in a primary relationship and are looking to open it up to include secondaries, some negotiation with your primary must happen first. You both need to agree on: how much time will be devoted to secondaries, will you be sharing (as in threesomes) or will they be independent relationships, are you ok with secondaries being in your house/bed, will the three of you do dinner or other everyday activities together from time to time? Then comes more technical stuff… what kind of activities are ok? Are you comfortable with your partner having hot, steamy sex, but would prefer they not kiss the other on the mouth? Do you want penetration reserved for only you two, but fondling up to third base is fine? And, my own two cents, I don’t care what your situation is, discuss safe sex expectations! It’s not only your health, but your partners that may be put in jeopardy.

Be aware… you can negotiate all this to death beforehand. Your partner may say, “oh sure, I don’t want to limit you, I’m fine with all of this, go ahead and fuck her brains out in our bed with me reading a book in the next room”. And then, the first time it happens, you may emerge all sweaty and satisfied to find them huddled in a corner crying hysterically. It’s one thing to talk about being poly, but one never knows how they will feel until it’s put into practice. Thus, my advise is to start slowly. Begin with flirting in front of your partner, some light touching, and check in. Even the poly-est person who ever poly-ed can be affected by jealousy and insecurity at times. That’s ok, don’t call it quits just yet. Acknowledge these feelings, address them with patience and compassion, and renegotiate. Remember, this situation is supposed to make everyone happy if done ethically and consciously.

I’ve been asked, “but if you start dating someone outside the relationship, won’t that negatively impact your primary relationship?” Again, if done correctly and consensually, no. I like to use this analogy… if you have a child, and a second baby arrives, will you love the first one less? I sincerely hope not. Every relationship that we invest in should improve the quality of our lives. They should each provide something special and unique and precious that add up to a wonderfully happy and fulfilled you! Two happy and fulfilled individuals have a much better chance at succeeded as a happy and fulfilled couple, right?

I’d like to finish up by suggesting an utterly fabulous book on the subject: The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. (Available on Amazon.com and in most major bookstores.) This is a gentle, easy-to-read guide that addresses most possible challenges as well as the joys that come from open relationships.

One last word of caution: If your partner has expressed that their interest lies only in being very strictly monogamous, do not try to force them into anything outside of their comfort zone. If they convey an interest in giving it a real try, great! If not, respect their feelings and desires, or resentment may be well on its way already.

Wishing you a lifetime of love, adventure and mind-blowing sex.

Stay tuned for part II of this poly blog post series by subscribing to the rss feed or email alerts.

How to Succeed in an Open Relationship, Tips from Active Polyamorous People is a post from aKinkySexLife.com Thanks for subscribing to this RSS Feed. Stay tuned for some special naughty pix I promised to send to my feed subscribers. I will be including them here as soon as they are done!

Leather Sex for All Sexual Orientations

Leather Levi Weekend is a pansexual BDSM conference that takes place at a retreat north of Ukiah, California. 3 days of camping, swimming, attending workshops and playing into the wee hours of the morning. Lots of naked debauchery is possible…it’s clothing optional!

If you need more incentive than this delightful description, I’m happy to share a bit of my personal experience at this event. (But not all the juicy details… some of the magic is reserved for my happy memory alone. )

I arrived on Thursday afternoon, slightly tired out by the long drive in the hot sun, and loath to set-up my 5-person tent by myself. Yes, I went alone with a 5-person tent. Why? For one thing, it’s the only tent I own. For another, I wanted my options open for having uh… visitors.

As soon as I began laying out the pieces of my tent, I was approached by my camping ‘neighbors’ who gracefully offered, and proceeded to, help me get set up. This was a wonderful glimpse of the kind of people who attended. I found everyone to be friendly and welcoming… and not in a creepy, “I’m doing this to get into your pants” kind of way.

Tired and dirty, I headed into the well-stocked, clean restroom to wash up (what a luxury while camping), then headed off to dinner. For such an event, the food was quite good. I let them know ahead of time that I was a strict vegetarian and they had no problem accommodating me throughout the weekend, with entrees of tempeh and tabouli, tofu and sauteed mushrooms. Upon entering the dining lodge, I was offered a seat by strangers at their table, and we talked and laughed through dinner as if we were old friends.

After dinner I headed to the main lodge for a meet n greet and some social time. While there playing a game, I met a most delightful, rather hot, butch-femme couple who grabbed my attention awfully quickly. From there I went for a soak in the enormous outdoor hot tub, then headed back to my tent for a good nights sleep.

Hot Lesbian Sex and Beatings by Butch-Femme Dykes

As lovely as this all was, it was the next day that I began to really have fun. The aforementioned hot couple approached me, and asked if I would be interested in negotiating a scene later that day. Tough call… a very handsome butch and a hot femme asking if they could possibly hurt me in delicious ways and take advantage of me sexually. I believe I hesitated for about .68 seconds before responding, ‘yes!’

The scene was to take place that night. With that to look forward to, I attended a dominance and submission discussion group for switches (what’s a switch? That’s another post, friends) a class, had lunch, and played volleyball in the pool with a bunch of gay men, (it was wonderful, for once, to be the best among a group of men at a sport. ) checked out two more classes, and had dinner. After that it was time to negotiate and play my scene with the mystery couple.

Dominance and Submission, and more Hot Lesbo Dungeon Play

The rest of the weekend frankly passed in a big blur of beatings and hot lesbian sex for me! We made use of the outdoor, poolside dungeon, a slightly more secluded fisting tent, and the inside of the main lodge. I made an instant deep connection with this couple, and we were rather inseparable for the rest of the weekend. They happen to reside in a beautiful, tropical location, and I have been extended an invitation to go and visit them! Who would have thought all this and more could occur during a 3-day event?

Amongst all of my sexual debauchery, there were other delightful things going on at the camp. Additional activity options included nude yoga on the lawns, country western dancing, a cocktail party, a ‘run show’, a drumming circle and a community ritual. All this and more at a very reasonable price!

I highly recommend this event for anyone who identifies as queer, kinky, leather, perverted, or for those who love those who are! I am looking forward to next year’s already.

Leather Sex BSM Play Party: Leather Levi Weekend Review is a post from aKinkySexLife.com Thanks for subscribing to this RSS Feed. Stay tuned for some special naughty pix I promised to send to my feed subscribers. I will be including them here as soon as they are done!

Open Relationships 101: From Bisexuality to BDSM

Here’s the post I asked my poly lesbian lover of 2 years to write cuz she’s all into presenting this kinda thing while I am more just into orgasms…lots of orgasms. I have to break it up into two cuz she’s such a geek she has so much to say but I don’t think you will find her overcoming her gay-ness any time soon, nor her poly-ness…

I am currently dating an incredible woman… She is married to a wonderful man. She lives with him, has been building a life with him for over a decade, runs a business with him, etc. They are primary partners. So, where do I fit in?

Well, I am a secondary partner in their lives. I see my girlfriend once a week on average… sometimes more, sometimes less. Normally we spend time alone together, either at their house, or out on the town. We are close, we are intimate, and yes, we have sex. You may think of me as this woman’s ‘mistress’. But here’s the beautiful part… ready for it? *Everyone knows!* Everyone involved, including her husband, knows of our relationship, and encourages it. There are no secrets, there’s no sneaking around, no deception, no lies, no cheating! Imagine that!

There is a brilliant quote I’d like to throw in here from America’s all-time best-selling psychiatrist M. Scott Peck as published in a Playboy Interview: “There is no such thing as a marriage that does not have to deal with the problem of fidelity or infidelity. One of our myths is that we should be completely happy and fulfilled by one woman or one man. That’s nonsense.” I couldn’t have put it better myself.

In this writers humble opinion, putting all of your eggs in one basket is not only silly, it’s dangerous. No one person out there in the world can possibly fulfill all of our needs and desires by themselves. But we, as a culture, keep trying to force our partners to. Ladies… how often are you forced to attend your man’s sporting events, when you would rather be *anywhere* else. Guys, how many chick flicks have you found yourself snoring through to appease your mate? These are very basic examples of course… but why can’t you do these activities with people who actually share your passion for them? It’s so deeply, horribly ingrained in our society and our culture that once we have a partner, we should adopt the things they’re interested in, and share in them. At all times. Quit torturing yourselves!

Back to how this relates to dating… let’s say my partner is feeling particularly needy one day. She’s had a bad day at work, maybe she’s pms’ing, she just had a fight with her mother on the phone… and I’m at work. I can’t talk. Unfortunately, I can’t be there for her. She has a need right now, a need for comfort and reassurance, maybe a distraction of a more primal nature. I’m not available. Should she curl up into a ball and wait miserably for me to come home? Hmm, just the kind of homecoming I want when I get off work.

Hell no! If we can seek what we need from a larger support net, we are much more likely to get our needs met. We don’t go around advertising that it’s best for a child to have a single parent… the reasoning seems so obvious. Raising a child by yourself is *hard*. Children need so much. Two parents can offer more time, love and attention. So why is it said to be so great to have a single partner?

Here’s an even better example. Let’s say that my partner is bisexual. She has fallen in love with me. We are thinking of building a life together, starting a family, living out the rest of our days side by side. Does that mean that she should swear off men for the rest of her life? If she does so, she is completely denying something that makes her happy. She is neglecting a need. When a person neglects their needs to appease another, this eventually leads to feelings of resentment toward the person being appeased. Resentment leads to frustration, frustration to anger, anger to fights, and both of these tend to lead to that evil word, divorce. (Or whatever kind of separation, given your circumstances.)

And forgive me, but here’s the question that begs to be asked. If you really, truly love someone, how could you deny them what makes them happy? (Long pause… think about it.) Can you honestly love someone and tell them, “oh, and that thing you enjoy so much? Well, it’s outside of *us*, so, never again”. Not exactly a becoming trait in anyone I’d wish to date.

So… is it possible to have your cake and eat it too? Yes! Will it be easy? Like most things in life worth fighting for, probably not.

Open Relationships 101: From Bisexuality to BDSM is a post from aKinkySexLife.com Thanks for subscribing to this RSS Feed. Stay tuned for some special naughty pix I promised to send to my feed subscribers. I will be including them here as soon as they are done!

History of Polyamory

They covered interesting tidbits: the term “polyamory” was coined in the 1990’s and added to the dictionary in 2006, the modern poly movement was started in the early 50s by a Yale theologian. They cover the gay marriage v. poly thing, and the feminist bent of the modern poly scene. It’s going so well until…Rutgers professor Helen Fischer is quoted saying that polyamorous couples are “fighting Mother Nature” and we’re hard wired for jealousy.

Really? I don’t want to fight Mother Nature! I want to Lick her Pussy!

Kinky is More Natural Than Jealous for Us Poly Folk

And the only trait that seems to be truly hard-wired for our species, if you read the news, is promiscuity: From the Clinton intern sex scandal to the Elliott Spitzer’s ordeal last year, and the recently outed young lover from John F Kennedy’s swinger parties back in the 60’s and on back to the Bible, our elite classes, leaders, and entertainers do seem to be more prone to fool around than to stay loyal. Is it that only the common folk are inherently jealous?

Not in my circles. My dear submissive girl, she’s not “common” nor is she famous. She’s quite special, and I assure you neither she nor I, nor my man nor her girlfriend are learning to overcome any of our urges. In fact all we do is indulge our wildest desires, and we love to fuck each other and TO WATCH our lovers get fucked by another…it’s so hot! I imagine JFK and Marilyn enjoyed their young interns and enema parties and were simply not going to let jealous feelings ruin the party. Neither will we. …

Psycho Docs Stop Telling Us Who It’s Normal to Fuck

Academics like Fischer seem to be going crazy these days. The American Psychological Association who just came out in support of Gay Conversion Therapy on the cover of the Wall St. Journal, but those intellectuals need to start reading all these sex blogs of real poly folks if they are going to understand this is not about holding back. It’s about learning to get what you want in SEX, instead of pretending you don’t want it, or overcoming urges. Maybe it’s that the Poly Persuasion is finally trickling down to the masses but I think they are just wrong.

Don’t miss part II of this poly blog post series. Subscribe to the rss feed or email alerts.

Polyamory Lifestyles Trending…Trickling Down From JFK to the Masses? is a post from aKinkySexLife.com Thanks for subscribing to this RSS Feed. Stay tuned for some special naughty pix I promised to send to my feed subscribers. I will be including them here as soon as they are done!

I am planning a date with a hot lesbian tonight, rather than going to get arrested in protest. We’ll be going to watch my friend Kitty McMuffin get us all horny at Lusty Lady strip club, and seeing if I can lick her pussy in such a small space. I will be bringing my favorite suction cup based dildo to ride, lots of lube and a dental dam (always with the safer sex!).

Gay Sex is still alive and well, as well as gay porn. I thought you might like a reminder, in case you are angry about the gay marriage ruling. I am pissed, but I am also delighted that, in all of this debate over marriage, the thing to remember is that what makes the bigots’ blood really boil, mostly due to their fear that THEY might have the ‘gay gene,’ is the idea of gay sex. See, we (meaning those who want to be free and are not afraid to blog about it) are winning, and they (who wish to restrict our freedom) are loosing. Not only are queers taking over marriage, state by state, but also PORN, and entertainment in general, and er, well, um … the WORLD. We’re here, we’re QUEER, get used to it! If you want to support us, buy real queer porn from real queers, shop at queer-owned businesses in general. If you don’t like it, read on…

watch and learn real lesbian sex moves from queers - protest Prop 8 the fun way

Gay Sex – Buy Porn for Lesibans – Best Way to Protest Prop 8 Ruling on Gay Marriage is a post from aKinkySexLife.com Thanks for subscribing to this RSS Feed. Stay tuned for some special naughty pix I promised to send to my feed subscribers. I will be including them here as soon as they are done!